Fable 3

Where do I start.

I've been a fan of the Fable series since the original game; that game was amazing as all hell, there was so much you could do, so much to see, and (for the time) it was just seriously, one in a million. Fable 2 was vastly different; they did many things right, and many things wrong, however I don't have half the patience to do that review as well as this one, so fuck it.

Fable 3, in the beginning, felt like a drastic improvement over Fable 2. In some ways, it was. I mean, the world is bigger, yadda yadda yadda. Problem is, there's some bullshit with online play now. I don't get what the fuck Lionhead's problem is with single player games. Fable 2, every achievement could've been accomplished by "watching another hero do so." Yeah, that's a fucking amazing achievement, you sat on your ass and watched someone else do something. You must feel so accomplished. They had a stupid ass "trade these items over xbox live" achievement, too. It was some stupid ass dolls, but it didn't matter because they were stupid dolls and didn't impact gameplay whatsoever.

So then, Lionhead decided to stupid fucking dillholes and make it so that there are 50 collectible weapons in the world, and the only way to get them all is to trade with other players online. So yeah, want that fucking bad ass gun? well too bad, Lionhead says you need Xbox live to be able to get it. (Unless of course you do what I did, and make a ton of offline profiles to get all the weapons you can, so you can give lionhead the finger.)

Then there's the weapon morphing system. It was described that your weapon would be actively morphing as you play the game. In reality, your weapon morph replaced your hero's level up morphs. (well, you hero still morphs when you level up but it's so insignificant it may as well not even be happening.) So yeah, the weapon morphing, happens as you level up that skill. Not a big deal, we're used to things not working the way they were described. So then Fuckhead decided that to make things more annoying, the morphing weapons were going to be based on a random pool of morphs. I don't know how the fuck my evil ass hero, going around killing everyone in town got a good hilt, for "being kind and making so many friends." Yeah, my fucking fireball made friends with their stupid downsyndrome faces because they don't know how to get the fuck out of my way when I'm trying to get into MY house. Or hey, I killed a few wolves, and all of the sudden I have a fucking bone hilt, because I accidentally tripped in a hallway and stabbed a hollowman. No no, basically wiping the wolves to extinction is much less significant than that one hollowman who probably died of fucking boredom from the expression system, that I killed one of. Wonderful work there, Fuckhead. Not like the morphing weapons fucking matter anyways though, because the "hero" weapons are the weakest weapons in the game, and you can rename the legendary weapons and make them your own damn weapons anyways.

The expression system in the game is stupid as hell too. Instead of a decent expression wheel we had in Fable 2, we now randomly are given an expression, which is assigned to X, Y, or B. I mean, hey, fuckhead decided that we're too stupid to know which expression we want to use, so it's chosen for us. Like, hey. There's my wife. I think I'll go give her a kiss. Oh, what's that fuckhead? You decided that instead, I should play patty-cake with her? Yeah, That's appropriate. This is the woman my hero loves, and to express my feelings for her, we're slapping hands together like some inebriated fratboys who just saw sideboob. Awesome. Yeah, Fable 2 was praised for how much of a life sim it was, how great the interaction was, and now you get to treat everyone like they're you're bro. Even as a girl. Fucking really.

Oh, and I hope you didn't like actually LOOKING evil when you're an evil character, which was what, a staple of the series, that essentially separated it from every half-baked Action-rpg (can we even call it an rpg at this point?) on the market? Yeah, no, that's essentially fucking gone. Once you beat the whole stupid game, you get some fucking wings and you can see your character's "alignment" when you do a flourish. Which, a) doesn't even fucking happen until you BEAT THE DAMN GAME, and b) ONLY HAPPENS WHEN YOU DO A FLOURISH!

The game is fucking easy, so easy that most people won't even do a flourish throughout, they'll just mash the same button over and over, because it gets results, and it's the fastest method. Good job there, fuckhead! You successfully managed to (basically) remove one of the only unique things about your game!

Oh, and this is a laugh. VOICE ACTING. Yeah, they bragged about how your hero has a voice now. There are what, 5, 10 actual VOICED lines in the game? You may as well still be a fucking mute for all anyone cares. Then again, I guess patty-cake doesn't require much dialogue.

The touch system is fucking stupid and I don't even want to talk about it, it's glitchy, if you walk too fast the character you're pulling/leading seemingly grasps air, and there's no real point to it. It's mainly used when you do emotions, and is just unnecessary. If I want to touch someone, I'll shove my hand in their face and set off a fireball.

Oh, oh, oh. Before I forget; remember those "moral choices" in the game? Yeah, they're gone.

You get maybe 2 or 3 choices in the beginning of the game, where you can be a cunt or a pussy, (funny how those two words are basically the same thing, but have completely different meanings) and that's about it until near the end of the game, as a ruler. Hell, the choices then aren't even that serious. It's either keep your stupid ass promise that you were FORCED to make in the game, or do whatever the fuck you want. It doesn't even really make THAT much of a difference, except a few promises change the landscape and add some lame ass quests.

Then there's the fact that the whole fucking game feels so damn empty. It feels like it's HALF a game. Like, there's something missing to it. There's no life to it, it feels bland. Oh, that's right. that's all the content they cut out of the game to re-sell to us as DLC. DLC was accidentally uploaded the first day the game came out, and had several content packs, and other items. A description for fucking BLACK DYE, which should've been in the game, called it "long awaited". They planned on cutting the dye out, then selling it back to us when we whined about it not being in there. In the game itself, there are spaces on the shelves where the dyes are kept, for the dyes themselves. There's an entire city, that flows seamlessly, as if it was meant to be there all along. Do you know why? BECAUSE IT WAS. It was built into the game, and cut to be sold back to us. Fuckhead aren't good enough game developers yet to add in DLC that doesn't feel like DLC. Hell, it's pretty hard to; because in order to do so, you'd have to build the main game with it included, then snip it out so that it fit in later like a puzzle piece. Which they did.

So, if you're looking to play Fable 3, I'd recommend waiting for one of those lame-ass fucking GOTY editions to be released, which will usually include all of the DLC, so atleast then you get to play the game as it was meant to be, instead of the half baked cut shit the rest of us paid full price for.